Wrist Slap

Open rebuke. Blatant disdain. I was in trouble and floundering for words to defend myself, my faith, my reasoning.

Word got out that we'd helped a recently laid-off senior with some grocery money. A very little grocery money. Too little? I'd wondered at the time. But the gentle God-nudge seemed clear: Give just so much. So we did. And, as always, we didn't give it another thought. A floating encounter. An opportunity to serve, to help. An offering to our One ~ so small, so full of hope that it will be cup-of-water efficient.

But now the information was on the lips of an angry neighbor. "You need to stop that!"

"Stop? Stop what?"

"Stop taking away from your own grocery money to buy somebody else stuff."

"But it's not like that," I protest. "Not at all. We have a little set aside for this sort of thing. We have enough for ourselves and just have that teeny bit put aside to give away." How on earth did she find out about this anyway? I wonder to myself.

"Yeah. But my point is that times are tight and getting worse and you need to keep that money that you've been giving away for yourself. Then, when things get better, you can give stuff away again."

I don't know what to say so I mumble something about tough times being the best time to give because people are really needing the hand-up. My friend is unimpressed by my logic. I try a different approach, explaining that our faith and our giving are intertwined: God is so good to us, we want to give.

"Whatever! I give and give and give and I don't get nothin' in return."

"I hear you, but that's not the sort of return I'm talking about. We're rich in so many things: healthy kiddo's, healthy us, amazing friendships, work..."

"It doesn't matter. Stop throwing your money away and keep it for yourself!"

I'm so puzzled by her obvious anger and impatience that I fall silent and eventually change the subject. Endless weeks of subzero temperatures provide much conversation fodder, thankfully!

I leave my friend, feeling unsettled and gloomy. Kindness doesn't come off as strength or smarts. Generosity looks foolish, illogical. And we don't know if we're on the right course or not. Are we hearing God in these give-away moments? Are we being foolish, too soft? We'd stop right away if we thought we were in error. Will the Living Jesus reach into human struggle and bring salvation, rescue, redemption as we live faithfully in this small obedience?

I have no idea. No idea. My wrist is smarting from the sting of the afternoon's reprimand. I feel it's echoed complaint in both the secular and Christian world all around. But, I admit, I don't want to change my enlarging mindset in this. Years ago, when I began the process of losing weight, I asked my God to expand my understanding of His love, His generosity, His mercy. I asked Him to help me stop withholding.

It's natural to hold back on forgiveness and care and mercy and material help. We fear that by letting go we'll leave ourselves exposed to loss and want. What if the way of God is broader, more freeing and wild than we've imagined? What if there's enough to give? And give. And give.

May the giving of our small offerings exemplify the expansive generosity of God ~ the One who gave everything.