4:49 p.m. and under the influence of an antihistamine. Mmmmmm. Allergy meds.
Dozy. Disconnected. Fighting off the chill of a rain-soaked spring day.
Wondering what it's like to move through life without wondering...anything. Some people do, you know. They look in that first-thing-in-the-morning mirror, see themselves as okeedokee, and push through the day without a backward, inward, or sideways glance. As long as felt needs are met, hair is in order, and the weekend's entertainment is lined-up, all is well.
There is no callous self abuse. There is no struggle over deeper purpose, greater goodness, more God-likeness. Life is good. What's not to like?
I think, when I grow up, I'll be one of those. A people like that.
Someone who, when the garbage gets smelly, says, "Oh. Smelly garbage. Bag it and remove it." As opposed to, "Oh. My. Gosh. I have allowed refuse to remain so long in my kitchen that it has taken on a putrid stench. What's wrong with me? How ever did I fall so far?"
Someone who, when the kids get a runny nose, says, "Hey kid, here's a tissue," not, "Good LORD! You're leaking. Something must have gone terribly wrong with your diet this week. Let's see...what did I feed you Monday? Enough Vitamin C? What about Tuesday? Minerals? Milk? Protein? Do you think it's nasal cancer? Or a sinus tumor?"
Someone who, when the VCR fails to tape a show they know for sure they programmed in, thinks, "Darn it! 'Missed my favorite show." Not, "That's it. This is the straw that will break the back of my marriage. My husband will probably leave me now. He'll go shack up with some hottie that can operate a stupid VCR."
Yeah. When I grow up, I'm going to chill right out. I'll stop wondering and worrying and punishing myself.
Not just now, of course. I'm busy, at the moment, thinking of ways to punish myself for daring to think that I might, at some point, stop punishing myself. It won't happen soon, either; first I need to take out the garbage, heal my child, and take a course on VCR operations ~~ and then contain the flood of catastrophic events that those unfortunate failings led to.
But eventually, I'll stop the wondering and the worrying. Maybe a few more antihistamine's would help.